How are you? How have you been? Have you eaten yet?
I have been okay. The weather is getting colder and I can’t help but worry if you’ve bought a nice winter coat yet. You’re always so forgetful about those types of things. I hope you don’t freeze your fingers off when you’re walking home at night.
I still think about running my fingers through your brown curls, kissing the tip of your nose, and watch as your lips curl into that beautiful smile you have. The slight blush spreads across your cheeks and my heart can’t help but ache over how tender you look and how safe I feel. The yellow light glows over us both and it feels like a warm blanket. I wanted to stay like that forever.
But I know how the story goes and I know it by heart. So here’s how it ends:
You will find a nice white girl and you will bring her home to your family for dinner and you will look at her with love in your eyes and it will not be me.
She will charm your father with snide jokes about the football game and gain your mother’s trust by helping in the kitchen and she will not be me. During the dinner, she will eat politely and quietly, making the occasional comment to your parents’ questions, and she will not take too much and she will not be me. After dinner, you will take her home and you will kiss her at her door and you will wrap your arm around her waist and caress her cheek with your other hand and she will not be me.
Is she blonde? Is she brunette? What color are her eyes and what sport did she play in high school? How many siblings does she have? What is the name of her family’s golden retriever? Does she laugh with her hand in front of her mouth? Does she go to the gym? Does her hair look good in a ponytail or would you rather she has it down all the time? Does she kiss you good? Does she kiss you better than I do?
We both know the answer to that last question. It’s the truth; you will never find another like me. I held your face in my hands as if you were made of glass and I was the only one brave enough to handle it because I knew that you must handle glass with care. I saw you cry. I saw the tears rolling down your face and I held you in my arms and I wondered if this was the moment you finally realized how much I cared about you. I am full of unconditional love and it’s bursting at my seams. You could spit in my eye and wish death upon me and I would still wonder if you would put flowers on my grave.
Maybe that was too much for you but it will always be enough for me; no matter how loud that voice in the back of my mind begs for more, I will ignore it if it means that I get to spend time with you. Won’t you come lay down with me? It’s so cold outside and I want you to be warm.
I will love you forever, [redacted]. Even when I can’t say your name anymore. Forever yours, xo.