Ten Things To Consider Before Dating A Straight Man

By Charlotte Steiger

I like to think that there’s potential in everyone. As equivalent as an alcoholic on their fifth rehab attempt. Or a chronic college smoker who swears they’ll cut cold turkey one of these days. It’s not until you hear a grown man call you a “silly goose” that you really start to think otherwise. Your soulmate isn’t the guy that you’re considering couples counseling with at 19, or the other that forgot your birthday even when you wrote it in all caps on a sheet of paper duct-taped to his desk less than a week before.

As passive as it is realistic, most men aren’t looking for devotion, or love, or sincerity. They’ll never change, either. My dad used to tell me all men think about is sex. He might’ve been right. Takes one to know one, I guess, with the proof behind his camera roll, even though I probably shouldn’t say that when it comes to my dad. Or think about it at all, actually. [Shivers]

1. What Does His Room Look Like?

Is your boyfriend a “no outside clothes on the bed” kinda guy or a “mucus-can next to the bed” kinda man? How many dead flies can you count across his windowsill? Fingernails? Diet Coke cans? Does he have a bathroom directly attached to his room or is he normal? Does he avoid washing his hands because he “didn’t touch his dick” or does he insist on only brushing his teeth once a day despite all the white dots across his molars? Does he even use chapstick?

2. Does He Have A Foot Fetish?

Wonderful

3. What Kind Of Music Does He Listen To?

Is your boyfriend a musician? Was his own music in his Spotify wrapped? The same songs he produced by himself in his bedroom that he, nonetheless, keeps fucking listening to in his freetime? Maybe he’s a business major, or a civil engineer at most. Does he stand with the idea of “separating the art from the artist” so he can justify listening to pedophiles and rapists? Has he ever listened to anything you liked… at all?

Are you gonna keep dating him even if he doesn’t offer you the other half of his earbuds?

4. Did He Cheat On His Last Girlfriend With You?

Awesome

5. Does His Mom Still Shop For His Clothes?

Does your boyfriend still wear Old Navy graphic tees out in public or neon orange even though he’s old enough to hit the bars? How about both? Does he even know what color theory is? Or how about 

6. Did He Cheat On You After Cheating On His Last Girlfriend With You?

Oh okay

7. How Many Dates Have You Guys Been On?

Do you lose track of how many dates you’ve been on or can you still count the exact amount on one hand (perhaps, four in six months)? What does he qualify as a “date?” Getting stoned in his bedroom while you watch his favorite movie doesn’t count. Nor do all the times that you two went to the movies and he refused to hold your hand. Going to the gas station for cigarettes doesn’t count. Him inviting you to the gym doesn’t count.

8. Has He Ever Been To Therapy?

Hooray

9. What Does His 5 Year Plan Look Like?

Did he get fired from Papa John’s because of his “work ethic” or because of how many times he would leave mid-shift to go get stoned in his car? Does he always talk about all his failed drug tests on the first date? Did he insist on a second? Did he drive you home or does his mom need the car back? Is he dating for marriage or to get over the girlfriend he just had a couple weeks ago? He’s paying for your birth control, right?

10. Did He Cheat On You After Cheating On His Last Girlfriend With You And Then Start Dating Your Doppelganger Right Afterwards?
That’s enough Charlotte